shiroi_mokona on Xanga

What it is.

Tuesday, 28 July 2009

Life, friends, lyric.

I know its been a while, but at times its harder to come back here than you may think.

So lastnight I guess I made a new friend. Real friend? Maybe, who knows. You can never really tell, I guess. So we were talking about random things to get to know one another. Somehow I got all emotional and started talking about friends that pass by through your life. I often wonder is it okay to miss some people as much as I do? Do I take friendships too seriously? It seems like I never want to get close friends, and when I do and for whatever reason they go away, I hurt a lot.

Its funny though, up until this conversation I had been perfectly content in everything I had. Now Im sitting here feeling like Im missing out on something, because of how I am toward people.

Anyway, Im basically wondering if this whole thing was a mistake. Just talking to people like that can really fuck up your way of thinking sometimes. I know its dumb, since its been years since Ive talked to him, and should have rightly gotten the hell over it by now, but I got really upset. He asked me, "would it be any easier if those friends you miss would have been there?" I instantly thought of two people I really and dearly miss, and it all just hurt a little more than it should.

I think the reason I get defensive around people is so that I dont fall back into this thinking hole that I have. Its like some sort of mind trap I cant get out of once I start. If you care about people too much, thats just what happens. And you shouldnt care about people that you arent sure you want to invest that kind of thing into.

Monday, 02 March 2009

Gemini

This is going to be very short, because right now I just dont particularly feel like thinking is going to be in my favor.

Do you ever feel like you have two completely different people inside of you?

I do. Ive got the girl who is innocent, who just wants nothing past hugs and kisses, who is disgusted with the world, who wants to eat health foods and exercise and read and meditate all day long. Then Ive got the other side of me. The girl that wants to rebel, wants to explore, doesnt care about sin and faith, wants to live life to the fullest with all its sin and filth along with it.

Is it just me that has this problem?

Monday, 07 July 2008

So I went to check my e-mail.

I saw that I got two eprops on my xanga, and frantically clicked the link to see if someone had commented to me.

I forgot to check the date on that email.

I wish you'd come back, still.

Pathetic, huh.

Saturday, 14 June 2008

Everytime i get online, I just get sad.
I dont see your name, I dont have you there to cheer me up, or make fun of the world with me. You cant tell me how boys are stupid, and I cant shoot it back at you. I dont get to reminisce about birds in lathein, or bats in behemoths lair. I dont get to joke about wind crystals or dancing sea lions. Theres no more bad 80s music, or sad country music videos.
Everytime I get online, I just get sad.

Part of me just keeps wondering what I did wrong, or what happened to you. I wonder if you are ok, or if you are happy and just didnt want to talk to me anymore. I wonder if I did something to scare you away. You realy were my best friend. Of all the people in the world I'd never met, I felt like I really knew you.

I wonder if I should just stop thinking about you, or if one day you will come back and say surprise! I wonder if you think about me too.

Maybe one day, we'll see eachother again. Or maybe that was all there ever will be.

Maybe I'll have another friend one day, with a new name. And maybe we will be the same people and never know it.

Or maybe Ill just have to read my book and think of rakushun and you.

Maybe I shouldnt be this upset.

Maybe Im stupid.

Maybe it shouldnt hurt like this.

I loved that you didnt know me. And I loved that despite that you still liked me.

Maybe I could have done something different.

Whatever it was, Im sorry. If I did something, I hope you will forgive me and come back.

And if I am misjudging, I apologize again.

Im just a stupid girl, after all.

Saturday, 24 May 2008

Hmmm

So Ive tried emailing you

Ive tried every way that I have to contact you

which is very limited

But Im sad because I dont know what hapened to my bestest friend

Dear Asti.

I miss you, and Im worried, if you read this please let me know whats happened to you.

Lovyasir.

Yami

Saturday, 23 February 2008

someone please tell me boys are stupid, tell me I dont need them . Sometimes I wish i'd never came this far.

Sunday, 03 February 2008

mitchy mitch face.
fuck being an adult.

fuck it hard.

Saturday, 26 January 2008

Life teaches you many things. Some things we wished we had never learned, some things you had to have learned, and some both or neither. I've been looking over the different phases in my life. Some I wish I had never gone through, some I know I had to experience. One thing I am glad I was able to go through tho, is figuring out where I belong, and who the people i can trust are.

I know Im a busy person. I know that I dont give everyone the attention and time that they deserve, but I try. I am so thankful for the friends that I have now, and I am even more glad for the ones that stuck by me though it all. I wish there were a million of me so i would never have to miss a moment of anyone that I care about. I am realizing that most of my life I regret, or realize was a mistake, and I hope that I dont continue through that. I want to live my life where I will look back proudly on every choice I make.

All in all. I think everything is going to be okay. Yes, I do look back on the friends that I could once call my own, and become saddened by how horribly and quickly they are loosing stability. I hate turning my nose up at the people I care about, I hate having a cold shoulder, but I know that its for the better. Ive tried and tried, and you just cant reach some people, and caring only tears me down. I know its cold hearted, I know its not something to brag about, but I dont know how to handle it. Everyone is their own person, they make their own choices. I dont know what to say other than, if they can change and go the str8 path that I know they can take, I will be there. Until that happens, I cant help someone that doesnt want to help themselves.

on the other hand

I cant wait till AWA. Its gonna be a blast.

Thursday, 17 January 2008

Im pissed. Im severely pissed. Sometimes I wish I were someone else with someone else with absolutely no knowlege of my current lifestyle. To be honest Ive been wishing that a lot lately. Why? Because Im tired of you being fake with everyone else and then coming crashing down on me, I cant carry the weight from both of our problems, I cant do it alone, and I certainly dont enjoy being neglected while thrashed on. Im going to go home.